Monthly Archives: September 2012

I’ve been meaning to get to that, but…

I currently have multiple things on my plate that I would like to get to, but for some reason, I don’t (like this blog for one). Isn’t that always the case?

I have things to finish, things to start, and things to say, but I seem to be tongue tied at the moment. So, I figured that something (even unorganized, unspecified ramblings) is better than nothing.

We had two deaths in the family recently, on the same day. On that same day we found a trapped, hurt kitten that has now become a healthy part of our family.

My youngest son, who struggles in school, has started online school again. It is going much better this year, but that is because I am sitting and working with him after work. Eventually he will be confident enough to do some of the stuff in his own, but in the meantime I am devoting my time to helping him understand it and be more comfortable with it.

I have a few craft things I have completed but are now sitting around collecting dust. Id like to get pictures of them to show off on here but….
I also need to finish working on a project for a friend for Christmas. I know, its not even October, but that’s why I start it now. That way it will get done in time. I also have had my daughter in law request a picture for their empty wall so I need to get started on that too. Especially since I have come up with a really good idea of what/how to do it.

And then today my son brought up cat toys. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner but I know have ribbon, feathers, and bells that would be perfect for making some kitten plaything concoction.

I have however, invited anyone & everyone I know to my birthday celebration/vacation to Laughlin in October on both Facebook and email. So far, my mother is going. As it stands right now, I will not be surprised if that’s all who goes since that is usually what happens.

BUT…. I have been in a good and productive mood all day (finally) and I intend to keep it that way so….

Another quote from inspirationalspark.com

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road… unless you fail to make the turn.”.  ~ author unknown

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Filed under Just rambling along

The negative & the positive

The negative about being anti-social is there are no friends to help you when you really need one. Like shopping for clothes for s funeral.

The positive side to this….if I win the lottery tonight, it won’t be very hard to shut people out.

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Filed under Just rambling along

I can see the stars

Bittersweet, short post today. My uncle passed away this afternoon. About the time he had passed away, I came across this quote….

“Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

My uncle was a great man, but I do not believe his heart is (or was) big enough to take in all the love that the people I know (and don’t know but know him) have for him.
As much difficulty as I have with it at times, I do so very much hope he comes and visits me. It does make the grief and pain of the loss much easier to bear.

I will carry the memories I have, and the love in my heart for you… Always

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Filed under My life as I know it

Death becomes her

image

That picture is a phrase that is painted on a room in hospice. A room in which I have spent most of my day today.
It is where my mother’s boyfriend is currently residing. We were told today that it is quite likely that he will pass sometime this evening or tomorrow.

The hospice facility that he is in has phrases similar to that in most of the rooms throughout the property. It was very nice, to me at least, to see positive reminders of the lives we have lived with the people we love to help ease the pain of why we are actually there.
Death.

At the same time that I am at hospice sitting with my mother to try to comfort her in her time of need, I am also spending time on the phone with my aunt whose husband is in ICU and has been given a 50/50 chance of surviving the evining. I have been being my aunts ‘rock’ over the phone while trying to be my mother’s shoulder in person.
I am giving each of them support, and updates on each others other half. Its quite a trying time.

I am the strong, steady, and seemingly unemotional support in the face of death. I do not tremble, or cry, or give false hope when there is none to give. I see death as the relief it oftentimes is and tend seperate myself emotionally from it.

Today when I walked into that room, I saw death. I have been down this road before, but it does not make it any easier. Sometimes I avoid seeing people when they are this ill. It bothers me. Sometimes it doesn’t make you feel any better to see what’s coming.

I know I may be rambling. I know this post could probably use some editing. But it is late, i am over an hour away from my home, and at least my phone has auto correct so most of the words should be spelled correctly.
I am sleeping at my aunts, she is sleeping in ICU with her husband, and my mother is sleeping at hospice. I believe I have the better end of the sleeping arrangements.

I know it is a good thing that I can be a strong, solid support for those who need me during at time such as this, but I still have a difficult time. I am still confused as to why I get to see death so often. I still question why I get the dreams before death visits. I still wonder why I see death before me in their face.

Maybe I should rephrase that…..
I know the ‘how come’, I don’t know the ‘why me’.
Not exactly anyway.

It is a curse and it is a gift. I just have not figured out how to use it as a gift. I haven’t quite figured out how to get across the positive message to people when they are in so much pain from grief that I can’t help but feel it.

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