That picture is a phrase that is painted on a room in hospice. A room in which I have spent most of my day today.
It is where my mother’s boyfriend is currently residing. We were told today that it is quite likely that he will pass sometime this evening or tomorrow.
The hospice facility that he is in has phrases similar to that in most of the rooms throughout the property. It was very nice, to me at least, to see positive reminders of the lives we have lived with the people we love to help ease the pain of why we are actually there.
At the same time that I am at hospice sitting with my mother to try to comfort her in her time of need, I am also spending time on the phone with my aunt whose husband is in ICU and has been given a 50/50 chance of surviving the evining. I have been being my aunts ‘rock’ over the phone while trying to be my mother’s shoulder in person.
I am giving each of them support, and updates on each others other half. Its quite a trying time.
I am the strong, steady, and seemingly unemotional support in the face of death. I do not tremble, or cry, or give false hope when there is none to give. I see death as the relief it oftentimes is and tend seperate myself emotionally from it.
Today when I walked into that room, I saw death. I have been down this road before, but it does not make it any easier. Sometimes I avoid seeing people when they are this ill. It bothers me. Sometimes it doesn’t make you feel any better to see what’s coming.
I know I may be rambling. I know this post could probably use some editing. But it is late, i am over an hour away from my home, and at least my phone has auto correct so most of the words should be spelled correctly.
I am sleeping at my aunts, she is sleeping in ICU with her husband, and my mother is sleeping at hospice. I believe I have the better end of the sleeping arrangements.
I know it is a good thing that I can be a strong, solid support for those who need me during at time such as this, but I still have a difficult time. I am still confused as to why I get to see death so often. I still question why I get the dreams before death visits. I still wonder why I see death before me in their face.
Maybe I should rephrase that…..
I know the ‘how come’, I don’t know the ‘why me’.
Not exactly anyway.
It is a curse and it is a gift. I just have not figured out how to use it as a gift. I haven’t quite figured out how to get across the positive message to people when they are in so much pain from grief that I can’t help but feel it.