I found my lemons!!

Celebrities are people too

Have you ever had one of those days? You know, the kind where things just don’t seem to go quite right. They don’t go horribly wrong, so it’s not so obvious that maybe you should just call it a day and go back to bed. It’s more of an underhanded, sneaky kind of wrong that you don’t even realize it’s a bad day until it’s too late.

I’ve had two of those.

I had to send out an apology letter due to an error from my boss, but it looked as if it was my error. My miracle make-up that I purchased for more money than any other make-up I have ever bought, is anything but a miracle and now I get to deal with the headache of returning it. The dog did his business, in my craft area, on a brown section of the carpet, and I didn’t see it before I stepped in it. I typed up an all too long-winded post that I was going to edit, but it didn’t upload from my Nook. Speaking of technology…. yeah, on second thought, let’s not. Phone, computer, network, printer, email (had to reboot the modem as I was typing this).

So as you’ve figured out my now, it’s been one of those sneaky bad days that take you unexpectedly, but I also know that I am not the only one who has those kind of days.

It may be just me, but today I noticed that there are quite a few candid photos of celebrities lately. The ones that show that they are people too. They spend their time in the morning getting their kids ready for school, and are probably in just as frantic of a rush are we are on the first day of school since they obviously have as much time to do their hair and make-up as we do in those situations. Then there are those ‘on the set’ pictures. You know, the ones in between starting their character make-up and finishing their character make-up, not quite all put together. They also dress for comfort when traveling, running errands, or going to the gym. (well duh…. don’t you?)

Yes, they are just as tired and cranky as everyone else after a long flight. Yes, they look just as attractive as everyone else when eating. Yes, they also have to take the dog out to use the restroom, and I am sure they have also stepped in the consequences if they don’t. Yes, they are just as despondent as everyone else when their heart is broken. Yes, they have bad hair days. Yes, their eyes are red (and possible make-up smeared) after they’ve been crying.

Since they have their bad hair days, no make-up days, and wardrobe problems just as I do, I figure I could say the same if I turn the view a little bit more. If I had someone do my make-up, style my hair, and had my choice of clothes/shoes, I bet I could look just as stunning as they do if I were to attend one of their black tie functions. Not that I will ever have the opportunity, or those resources available to me, but it sure helps me feel better knowing that I could.

It helps to know that when we are having bad days, that we are not alone. It helps to be reminded that each one of us can and will shine when it our time to do so. Each of us will be there for our children, our parents, or family, our animals, and our friends. Each one of us is a celebrity in our own right in our own lives in some way or another. We all may not be as publicised as the celebrities that we consider stars, but we are a star in someones eyes.

Polls open…. vote now!

Since I am obviously not going to start a personal background story this evening, I figured I may as well put this out there and see if I get any feedback. You see…. im kinda stuck. I wanted to try to do this chronologically, but I am unsure if I should give personal background first or just jump right in with one of my life stories. So I would like to ask your opinion on what you would like to read (know). There are many choices, which is why I am stuck, and I am not even sure how to categorize them into choices but I will give it a shot.

Hhmmm… maybe divide it up into subject matter?
Paranormal: ghosts, spiritual, dreams, and all around oddities from childhood on up. Feel free to pick a time section, as in childhood, teen, adult.
Death (yes, mine. This also may involve paranormal): Drowning, involuntary drug overdose, carjacking. Yes, I left suicide out since that needs much more background info.
Normal life: this is all the other stuff that i am not exact sure how to divide up. And that would be rape, drugs, family, financial, children, and just about everything else.

I know I have not divided them up very well but there is a lot that intertwines and there are so many stories. I have not been through  everything, but there is so much that I have been through… and then there the empathic bit im struggling with now that even if it’s not me, I know exactly what it feels like.

No, this is not going to be a ‘poor me’ story or a depressing blog. It is meant to be informative and helpful to any who read it, and to me. Each one of the things that have happened to me, happened for a reason. Some of them I know why, some of them I don’t. Either way, I am quite skilled at seeing it from a different angle and taking the lessons out of them.

No matter what, it will be interesting…. that’s just how my life has been. Every day is an event and every day has meaning, sometimes you just have to know to look for it.

When I grow up

 

When you’re young, you always get asked the question “what do you want to be when you grow up”, and it tends to be a question that comes up a lot. A whole lot. Then you get the question given to you in essay form and you’re to write a report… at least I did.
Needless to say, I failed that report. You see, I had no answer. There was not one specific thing I wanted to do when I grew up.
I am good at analyzing people. Knowing their problems at the root, helping them see things at a different angle, helping them through their difficult times. A career path in psychology was a possibility up until I learned that it would require at least 4 years in college. Uh… No thanks.
Then there was the subject of money. What if I went to school, earned (paid) for a degree and then didn’t like my career path of choice. To me, that would just be a waste of quite a bit of money.

There was just not one thing I could find that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I wanted more. I wanted to do all of them. I wanted to do everything and anything, not just ONE thing. Problem is… I still do.

Okay, okay… that’s not the actual problem. There is definitely nothing wrong with wanted to do as much as you possibly can with your life, the problem is the actual capability of doing so. It’s more the ‘how to’ that’s a problem for me. Okay, and still a bit of the ‘what’ to do is a problem. I have narrowed it down though.

Singing, acting, modeling, and dancing are out. Too old and a very huge case of stage fright. Not to mention the fact that I am definitely not involved in the correct social circles for that. Honestly, I’m not in any social circle.
Anything requiring a multiple year of college degree is out. Problems with funds, time, and varying interests still raise their ugly head when it comes to 4 year college. It’s just not what I was made for.

I am creative and I do have good ideas but I am horrible at sales, especially when dealing with myself and my work. I just don’t know how. Again, there is the issue of funds but I always seem to be able to work with what I have and what I can afford. If I ever have unlimited funds to make my Halloween costume it will probably be the best price of clothing I’ve ever made. I still dream of the day a can make a Moulin Rouge/Burlesque style outfit with whatever I want instead of what I can get my hands on. The ability to find actual designs and detailed pictures of other grand costumes instead of the cheap costume shop pictures would be helpful too.

It’s just that I want to create, I want to help people, and I want to brighten people’s day. I have never taken money over happiness but now that I’ve struggle through and have gotten to a good place emotionally and family wise, I want to be there financially also. I want to receive along with give. I want to inspire, and dream, and live without having my pocketbook suffer.
I have sold things I’ve created (like those pictures) to people I know, but that’s about it. Just about everything I’ve made has sold, I just happen to have my stuff reasonably priced. In others words…cheap. I can’t always help it. There’s just something about the light in people’s faces when they see what I’ve created for them that you just can’t put a price tag on. If I could just light up the faces of people in a higher pay grade than me, I just may be in business.

Here is my final realization… Almost all of my children are grown and I have a husband who will support me in whatever avenue I choose, but now that its time for me….. and I don’t know what to do or how to do it.
After reading a few of my posts, my husband told me I should be a motivational speaker. I find that hilarious but so is a person who is antisocial wanting to help people. If my posts end up motivational for people, great. Then I just have to figure out how to get hundreds or thousands of people to read them.
Maybe there’s something to this writing thing, maybe not…. But its something I haven’t tried and it’s a start I guess. I know I won’t be the best, but can I be good enough? As much as I would love to quit my day job if I was great, good enough would be good enough for me.
I know I lack focus, direction, a plot, and even a starting point really, though I’m pretty sure I can think of a chapter or maybe even a scene. But do I start with a fantasy story from dreams or imagination, should I take a piece of my actual experiences and turn it into fiction, do I write a fiction book with a lot of my experiences, or do I maybe go for a motivational type book? Probably not the latter since I really have no leg to stand on other than my life. **I think partially to start I need to continue on with my life stories here, which i should be getting to after this post and maybe one other very short one** And there’s probability of disappointment and rejection along the way but…. I think I can handle it. The worst that will happen is I get told no, right?

And what timing this is…. 3 months before my 40th birthday. HaHaHa! wait, would this be considered a mid-life crisis?

Feel free to give your two cents, or thoughts, or opinions, or suggestions, or ideas. Questions, comments, concerns?

 

Life Is Good

Currently I have a pinched nerve in my back that is killing my arm and my digestive system is being difficult yet again, but….. I am otherwise healthy and alive. For that I am thankful.

As far as money is concerned I am broke, but… my rent is paid, my lights are on, my air conditioner works, and my kids are fed. For that I am grateful.

There never seems to be enough time for the things on my ‘to do’ list, but…. I have fulfilled my deadlines, rescheduled a thing or two to not only my benefit but others as well, was able to stretch my downtime to relax more, and was able to get a post in. For that I am satisfied.

My children have defied, angered, or ignored me yet again, but…. they have each done at least one tremendous good for me, themselves, or others and it has shown how much they have learned, grown, and actually were listening to me. For that I am proud.

No, things are not as well as I would like them to be but…. the are better than they have been and significantly greater than they could be. For that I am blessed.

Sitting within the shadows can limit your views to the dark spots that are there, but…. sometimes you need to step out of the shadows in order to see all the bright spots and feel the warmth that is already there. Then you may see that for this moment, which is the only moment that matters right now, and it is a moment that will never come again…. life is good.

 

To dream a little (or big) dream… again

 

I am somewhat excited. Ok, ok… I am trying to keep it to a ‘somewhat’ excited level instead of an overly excited level. My husband is again in pursuit of his dream. Truth be told, it has actually become a family dream. It nice to see him interested again and i am hopeful that everything works out better this time. I can see now that several pieces were not in their proper place before, and I really hope it is not the case this time around. You see, it goes a little something like this….

Between my husband and I we have 5 boys, his mine and ours. The eldest and youngest are 10 years and 4 weeks apart, and depending on the month we are in, the 3 middle are a year apart. Right now they are 14, 18, 20, 21, and 24. In sept itll be 14, 19, 20, 21, and 24. Dec itll be 15, Jan will be 25…. and so on and so forth. It’s always funny when people ask how old my kids are and I stop to think about it. For one because I have to take into consideration what month again, for two their reaction when I name off 5 ages. Well having 5 boys, and being married to another at heart, they are all into gaming. Computer games, D&D, Xbox, you name it… we play it. And of course there’s the smack talk. I’m sure you get the idea, but this is the base of his dream. A business that we can all get into and enjoy, take pride in, do together as a family, and a possible future for our children from our hearts (having a family of 7 really puts a tight grasp on your finances). So after trash talking and gaming with his boys while wishing he could do more for his family he came up with a brilliant idea for a family business. A gaming center.

We discussed it together, we discussed it with the boys. The boys loved the idea. We threw around crazy ideas and legitimate ones. All of us became excited and the idea grew bigger. When we started to doubt, the kids enthusiasm kept us going. We spent a couple of years putting together ideas, plans, and avenues. We kept each other motivated. We still lacked the finances, we’ve both lost our jobs at different points (once at the same point), but there was still this dream we had as a family so we kept at it. We had finally found an angel investor.

It did take some money on our end but not as much as other opportunities and after discussing it with our boys, we decided to pursue this avenue. We worked this avenue for a good year. Sign this, do that, ect. We got as far as forming a corporation and a small business, license in our state. We were sooooo close. Then the economy fell apart.
The investor got cold feet (or lost money in other interests) and backed out of everything he was getting involved in. So… we had a corporation and a business license but still had nothing. We were broke, in debt, and had put our time and energy into this for so long that it was devastating. Within the next year, my father in law passed away and that was it. My husband gave up. It was heartbreaking to see a man give up on his dream but it just didn’t seem like it would ever be something that would work out for us. After so many speed bumps, brick walls, and just about every other obsticle you could come across he gave up hope.

It is now years later and there is a spark of hope again. We have all still talked about opening the business but it was more like a fantasy, like planning on what we will do when we win the lottery. The eldest moved on in his life and joined the Navy, the middle one a few years later did the same. The start of turning this business thing back around was when the middle one stated that the Navy is/was his way of starting our family dream. He planned on establishing good (if not great credit) by the solid job of the military and very little bills, and if everything went the way he wanted he would have a good amount stashed away when he got out so he could pursue the business. Well he is still in the military but, he got married before he left….. his finances are quite what he was planning on.
BUT…. this was the start of the kick in the pants my husband has needed. His boys continue to talk about the family business, continue to want to see it open, continue to have the dream, but most importantly… they have put their heart and desire to do this into it, for both them and their dad. It has opened their fathers eyes.

Lately there have been a few other things that have turned up that have really made him think of pursuing this once more. Things said at just the right time, things seen at just the right time, people met at just the right time to make him stop and think that we should go for this again.

The fact that all of his boys still want to do this, still want to be involved, and still want to this to work really helps to push him into pursuing this once more. He still has a fear that everything will get pulled out from under him once more, but everyday that fear is getting less and less.

I am hoping he once again gets as excited about this as he was before. It is something that he is so passionate about that he gets practically anyone else he talks to excited about it.
Even though we have a lot more to do once again, things have changed in a few years, but it could be worth it in the end.

Wether we start small or go big has yet to be determined, but i will take either way. I am trying to not get too excited as of yet since we are not quite in full swing of pursuing it again, but there is hope. And i can still dream about quitting my current job before we decide 😉

Maybe this is why I get nothing done

Well……. the good news. I have a new phone with a better camera.

The bad news. This is what’s been happening when I finally sit down to type a post on a PC.

 

We have 2 dogs and 2 cats. The cats have yet to get along with the dogs (they were ours before the dogs and they are not so keen on sharing the household). This has been a work in progress. Needless to say, when the cats do get your attention, they want ALL of your attention.

Now that I’m finally getting to post, it’s past my bedtime. Again. I’ve actually been quite emotionally drained lately, what with all the illnesses, relatives in the hospital, and other family and work drama that I usually try to avoid…. my emotions have gone a bit wonky. Yes, wonky. I really want to type up another peice about me, like maybe a part after I was an infant. But what I’d really like to get to is the now. the emotional, the reading people, the seeing people. I am just not clear on how to go about that yet. I’m sure it’ll come to me as it should.

In the meantime, and before I fall asleep, I thought i’d tr posting some pics i took this weekend with my new camera phone. They are definately nothing spectacular, and I really didn’t spend much time trying to get pictures, I was busy with family and my grandparents celebration of 80 birthdays.  🙂

without further ado, here are some boring, unprofessional, quick… what can I find to take a picture of, pictures. They aught to be much better than the other ones and i’m excited to see how they turn out on this.

 

They may be boring but they are a lesson for me.

Lights… Camera… Action!

I love movies. Preferably action, fantasy, comedy, and even sci-fi. I enjoy the ability to lose myself into another time, place, or world even of it is only for a few hours. This is also why I enjoy books, music, and some tv shows. They all allow you to set any troubles you may have for the time being and focus on someone else’s, who usually has it worse than you. Or they make you laugh til you wet yourself and you try lamely attempt to pass it off a spilling your soda. Or they make remind you of the goodness ans possibilities abound that are right in front of your face if you would just pay attention more often.

I love movies. I love the thought that it is possible for everyday people to become and be someone extraordinary. You can be the person who saves your loved one from the brink of something disastrous. You can be the person who laughs in the face of danger because you know that you are bulletproof or are perfectly capable of dodging the knife with your astoundingly fast super speed. You can be the person who saved the world from complete and total destruction and be proud even though most of the world will not know it was because of you.

For the first time in my life… Ever… I really wish I was able to act. Actually, its more like I wish I had more guts. I probably could act, and quite well, but lack of self-confidence and extreme stag fright have steered me in another direction entirely. But i think it would be amazing to be able to be someone else for a little while. To be the drop dead gorgeous person that has people swooning and fighting for you. To be the bad ass hero who can kick almost anyone’s ass anytime the occasion called for it. To be the villan, just once, because it would feel so good to be so bad and not actually have the end result that villans bring about. To be able to take off my shoes and walk in another’s knowing full well that you can get to put back on your own.

But it was never meant for me I suppose. Oh, my life has been like the movies, some of them at least, and not usually the ones I care to watch. I have lived it, so I prefer not to watch it. I really would have much rather been able to kick the living sh!t outta the bad guys though, all the while looking hot and not even breaking a nail.

As I give this some thought though, I must admit the truth. We really are all hero’s of some sort or another. We are parents of children with illnesses who look to us for hope. We are teachers and mentors of people who look to us for guidance and direction. We are cancer survivors who rally together to help others like us in need. We are the rock in rough waters to cling to. We are the arms that are there to support when the knees weaken. We are the light at the end of the tunnel.

It may still go unrecognized by others at times but we know we have done the right thing, at the right time, and have saved someone’s world even if it was not the whole of the world. Ah…. But if everyone, saves someone, then together we have all saved the world.

So now you know…. You have helped save the world. You are a superhero. You should be feeling really good and very proud of yourself right about now…. Because you deserve it!

Strangers in the morning

I talked with a stranger yesterday morning. It was a quite an interesting conversation, one that I wish could have been more in depth on several of the subjects we briefly went over, but that would have required a lot more time which I did not have.

He was out to promote business, his wife & sister in laws business. He was handing out flyers to people to vote for this business venture of some technology that would be a benifit to patients with surgery and the military. Some sort of no fog lens for scopes and goggles. You go thru facebook, vote for the idea, give them support for their effort, to assist them in getting a grant so they may peruse their venture. The whole of the idea is to benifit possibly millions of people. A very good persuit in my opinion.
I do not have a website or any other detailed information other than the flyer that was given me, and I am not entirely sure of the rules & regulations on this blogsite for helping promote someone (which I should look into if I plan on posting something like that, which I dis not), but that is not why meeting this person has stuck with me. It is the fact that in my untrusting nature I had a rather long conversation with this man all the while continuing to want to have a more in depth conversation though I knew that was not going to be possible. Not at that time at least. Heck, I would have liked to have been the quiet mouse in the corner while him and my husband had a conversation, it would have been interesting and enlightening.

Here’s the thing, I don’t really know much about him but this is what I saw. He has come a long way from where he could have ended up. He has confidence, faith,  and a good heart. He sees and brings out in others what they fail to see in themselves. He sees the bright side and doesn’t dwell in the dark. He is motivated for all the right reasons and for all the right things. It appears that everything he touches turns to gold but only because he makes it that way. He makes lemonade out of lemons so to speak. He effects people, in a good way, without them even knowing it. He has a faith in man that I have not seen in a very long time. He wants to help people become better, to do better, and be better. He sets out to so more, and he does. He does good for those around him.

There is a reason for everything. My meeting him was not by chance, I knew that when I saw him. He effected everyone he met that day, wether they knew it or not. But… He is just a man. A human being. Like you, like me. He has had heartache, disappointment, and struggles as we all do and it has made him who he is today. A teacher, a fighter, a giver, a guide.

There are wonderful people in this world. There are magical people in this world. There are amazing people in this world. Everyone of us is one of those people should we chose to be. You may not always realise the live and hearts of those you touch but you do so everyday. Do that in a way that you can be proud of. It may be the smallest or simplest thing to you that will make the world for someone else. You will brighten their day or even give them hope. Your simple, small act of kindness or consideration can change the life of another. Remember that you can, do, and will change lives and change the world and it will probably be simple gesture on your part. One of the best things you could do is start with a smile.

I don’t do stupid

First, this post is gonna sound mean. Especially considering who I will be reffering to, but I have a hard enough time handling people, let alone stupid people. Ok… they may not actually BE stupid, but wea all know that we all have our stupid moments. It’s just that Ive dealt with stupidness at work, people and technology alike, and a person can only keep their mouth shut for so long before something inconsiderate flys out of it. NOTE: this post is my something inconsiderate being said. With that said…. here’s my complaint.

Sigh…. after all that (& several hours later) i have changed my mind as to what I was going to say. I do not plan on having any of my close, personal family read any of these posts but one can never be to sure. And since what i was going to say may make me come across as a cold hearted b!tch…. i won’t say it that way. It isn’ t fair.

There are 2 sides to every story and we can usually only tell one from a personal perspective. Its just that i really wish people would use more common sense.

My mom said something to me today which annoyed me to know end. Lately shes been doing that alot. My problem is i know there is more than what she says. She is ill, and i believe it is quite bad. I have been watching her deteriorate over time. I have made suggestions on what to do in the begining, i told her what to do after awhile when the suggestions stopped working, and on multiple occasions when really matters, i have held her hand and have done things for her. I cannot continue to do that. Its just so hard. It is difficult to go through and its difficult to watch, so i chose not to watch.

I have learned the very hard way that you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. You cannot help them if they do not want to help themselves. You can only sit by and wait.

Yes, this post turned into something other than what i intended, which tends to happen when it takes me all day to write it, but i get tired of seeing these things in other people and not being able to help. Its painful and it wears on me.

There are a few family members’ health that are beyond help. Its just a matter of time. I can see it, but i can’t do a thing about it. So what do… i pull away. I seperate myself. Exspecially when i have already tried to help but they have refused to listen.

I just get frustrated with seeing more than i should be able to see. Now its not just with people close, its coworkers. Then its been aquaintences. Now its been people i havent even met. Its a long, complicated story. And all these other incidents in my life add into it.
I am just a bit lost at the moment and i am hoping this blog will help me sort this out. And so i go to bed with a head full of mush, confusion, frustration, and aggrivation.

Tomorow will be better. Hopefully soon i will post another segment from my past. My plan on my next post will hopefully be part of that long and complicated story. Maybe i will just skip, for now, to the presant and explain my current perdicerment and this whole ‘seeing’ things bit.

**note: there may be several typos, but if I wait any longer to post this, it won’t get posted. **